8 Ground Rules to Invite Healthy Conflict on Your Team
If you know me well, you know that my husband is a Republican.
When I first reveal this fact to folx who share my liberal leaning, their response usually falls somewhere between curious wonder ("how the heck does that work?") and horrified disbelief ("and you knew that going in??)
Perhaps you notice a similar reaction forming in yourself? If so, that's ok -- we are so wired to view disagreements as a bad thing...as barriers to partnership and progress.
Does seeing things eye-to-eye with someone make working together easier? Sure. But do we want to limit our life and our work to partnerships that rely on same-ness? Not I, and I'm guessing that's not your MO either.
If you’re committed to working across differences … bringing together diverse perspectives … building collaborative solutions with others…
You have to develop the skill of working through conflict. Bottom line.
Conflict is inevitable. And contrary to popular belief, it’s not inherently a bad thing. In fact, conflict can often bring growth and transformation to relationships and work.
Because so many of us have negative associations with conflict, we have to create a container for it to happen productively. This is true in any relationship, and especially on a team or in an organization, where you’re bringing together a diversity of views and conflict styles.
The shape and structure of this container comes from Conflict Ground Rules or Agreements. These are a list of norms that partners or groups use to guide how they engage with conflict.
Here are some of the agreements my husband and I use to keep healthy conflict flowing in our relationship. I’ve found they work just as well in an organizational setting:
1. We respect each other’s perspectives and recognize that they’ve been formed by our unique childhoods and lived experiences
2. We listen to each other with curiosity and openness, trying our best to suspend judgment while the other is talking
3. We ask questions to further our understanding - not to cement our critical judgment of the other (less “why/how could you possibly think that?” and more “hm, what does that mean to/for you?”)
4. We acknowledge that we’re human and that heated moments will happen. We also recognize that these moments are unlikely to bring us closer to each other or to a solution, so when one of us calls it, we take a break
5. After heated exchanges, we circle back to make amends for any harm done and reengage in a productive conversation when we’ve regained the capacity to listen
6. When we’re working to shape a decision together, we start with our shared interests and stay flexible on how we might get there
7. Once we reach an agreement, we support it together. No “well you know I never really wanted that” down the road
8. We often reflect on our disagreements and share how we learned and grew as a result of them – to reaffirm that good can come from conflict
Crafting Conflict Ground Rules for your team or organization will be a game-changer for how you work through hard things together.
What are some of the norms you use (or could use) to navigate conflict on your team? Leave your thoughts in the comments, so we can all learn from each other.
If you want to work on your conflict engagement skills in a community with personalized support and practical leadership training, then you want to get on the waitlist for our group coaching program that launches in July. We’ll let you know as soon as the doors are open to apply!
